Giddy/Thrilling/Terrifying!

These are the words that will explain my friday night/saturday morning!

 

It all started last week when I went out with a friends sister at a night club and really had so much fun dancing and laughing. The next day was a friend of mines 25th Event and that too led me to have fun dancing and laughing…but this time it was different.

Now we jump a week ahead to the Friday that will be a Friday I will never forget. I go out with the same sister, but this time our night is more planned. I even meet up with my same friend who had her 25th. We all go out to the after party which is just a private event with us close few.

Oh how I wish I could write more, but I just can’t. Not when I am not sure who still reads this and this is quite a personal milestone.

Amazing to find myself remembering life at 18 so much again.

Text messages

Text messages are fun! However going through 700 of them from Erlends old phone while I am sick and tired was no fun. It brought tears and sadness. The messages went from after Bergen to even our last U.S. trip before he knew he was sick. My travels to Paris and AMsterdam were there as well as the house warming party to one of his good friends. Many many women wrote him and students send get better soon messages that made me want to write them back.

I was going through his old life. His jobs, parties, family events and travels. I deleted all but 30 pictures and music recordings that were sent to him. This was not the way to end the weekend. Ruben and I had a good cry, but for me, crying while having a cold only meant more annoying in my nose and I had to stop.

This weekend has been tough. I am sure it is a mixture of not being able to walk, having a cold and stress from SO much I should be doing, but just can not. Erlend has been on my mind. On a good note, many of the people I met in Spain (Punta Umbria) have been contacting me and it has been nice to escape my own mind and discuss theater. Yet…when I try to study…I am always led to think of Erlend. I do not know what I am going to do. I need to get my act straight. I need to be able to walk! I need to get back to life and just be busy. I need to call people.

 

I have tons to be happy for. I am happy. But I read his messages…some from Christmas. A time that is coming soon. I fear it.

There was so much hope in the first “Get well” text messages he received. So much that many did not understand yet. So many who wrote Erlend often that I did not know was in such good contact. (Or at least, forgot after all this time)

Before that though was message after message of “Erlend can you play this”, “Erlend can you be there” and “Erlend can you perform for…”? He was busy.

His text messages are no longer busy. He can rest now.

Older

I have had many many nights while on vacation, I wanted to write. I have no excuse. I should have. However, it was a wonderful 7 week vacation touring NY,NJ,VA,FL,SC and Oslo. I was lucky enough to be welcomed by both friends and family. I saw people I had not seen in many years and some I had see just months ago. I can not really call one place home over the other, but I do feel I left a piece of my heart in every area.

Once back, I am faced with preparing for the coming school year for both my son and I. However, my now 3rd grader has reached one milestone after returning home. He has started sleeping in his own room.

Now, he has been doing this for years, but since the passing of his dad he was with me. I would love to have him with me longer, but I had to start “pushing” him out. I need to teach my son to be a strong and independent young man. Of course, I did not out right tell him he had to move, but I did say that I was going to have to limit his reading in bed if he was to continue in MY room. So, he said he could sleep in his own bed. I asked him if he was ready  and he said yes. Last night, he did and it went well. He even put three little Unicorn stuffed animals in my bed to help me sleep as well.

Now I am back to the place I was after I finished school and before I started vacation (but now it’s that time before school and after vacation) the time to think. I hate it. I am forcing myself home to rest, but I am a busy body. I need to be out. (Out of my own head mostly) Luckily my homecoming here was done quite grand with good food cooked for us in our home and even a special dessert and drink made. I also have one of my cousins from the states living here now. It doesn’t feel odd, she fits in. It’s nice actually. We are VERY different, but get along very well. I have others as well I look forward to seeing again.

So yes, two days in. Now, with the rain starting to slow, I am sure I will be out tomorrow if at least a visit to my school. I do think a good cleaning of my closets is in place as well. We did Erlends and Rubens, never mine yet. :/

After my trip, I can not predict my future. I do not even know what I want to be in life or where I want to be. However, I do know I want to continue my schooling. I look forward to the school year ahead. I miss Erlend though. The house, coming back to it is so empty. I want to read, but I find I am having a hard time concentrating, so I have been catching up on tv online instead. I am reading a bit at a time and doing logic problems for my thinking.

Ruben is getting older. He is a very mature boy and ready to be the son of a single mother. I am getting older. I like that.

I miss watching Erlends hair turn silver.

A-OK

I have been busy. No, I mean 15 hour days for weeks getting our play ready for school. Due to an illness we had to work extra hard to make up the work. However, it worked out well. We got an “A”!

After we were finally done I have been busy taking Ruben to the pool, going to the city and taking care of business. One thing to take care of was Rubens passport and my own. They are well and in working order. Another business was going on our U.S. summer trip. However, we are not to sure this is going to happen yet. It has been very difficult to get ahold of people. Worst case scenerio, we go to someplace in Europe.

I also attended an American picnic and lo and behold, I met a new friend. It’s been interesting. It’ll be fun helping someone new enjoy Trondheim.

Today, I was watching a movie which reminded me that I had a journal the first year I lived in Norway. This includes my wedding proposal. It was a pleasure to re-read this again. Remembering that day. Today, I miss him.

However, I still stay busy. I still have a play to work on and Mom jobs to do. (Like making Rice Krispies Treats for my sons school) I feel I should have more to say. I am sure I do. There are no poetics to this entry, no flowery words. Just facts.

I think my brain is on its summer break now.

Square3

Yesterday was a day of turmoil for the group. Moods were still down since the last week we met, therefore moods were still down even today. But yesterday…things were brought up in a discussion that flared up unplanned.

Secrets?? Meetings not shared with the rest of the group?? Not finish discussions started?? Not all fully open!? It stops the process when we have to catch up people since they came late. PROBLEM..Not everyone knows what their  productions roll means. This means that when one half of the group works on a scene or another productions roll (Like scenography, lights etc.) the other half was confused on how they should use their time. The day, despite having worked…was ended on a bad note.

Today though, it flooded over. Not long after I arrived at school, I was called on my phone to meet one of the people outside. Here, I was told that things are not good, and the group is getting effected by each other. How can we handle it. So I thought.

When we had our check in, I was the one who brought down the mood by saying that the entire group is not having it well, so we need to take it up in a meeting. I DID say we would do it in an hour, however in the hour we were working so good as a group discussing the goals and ideas of the play that we share…that I made the meeting for after lunch. Of course, during the discussion I had to ASSIST people in adding to the conversation. I do not feel I should have to do this…but I had to to keep the flow.

After lunch, THE meeting started. It was NOt an easy one. Topics like secrets, the mood of the group (and is it effecting everyone or just one), does the ONE being accused actually have it as bad as others think, where is the line between private and job, some in the group have the positive effect on us, are the strong as strong as they seem, how often do people need candy/smoke breaks, none of us were that close friends before we worked so intense together, we are different and need different help, we need alone time, when one thought “everyone agreed” in the group, they were wrong…all should give their ideas…and most important..the feeling of being left out is universal. We all have it. It is not our job to fix it, but it is our job to work together. Bad days are ok…but not bad week after week.

During this conversation, things were brought up and people said things that they were hiding for over a week. It was a very difficult situation, and in the end I had no idea if it helped us or hurt us. I actually had to go walk around the school outside, alone and hope. Was it something I should have not done? I was confused and HATED to put people on the spot like that.

After the break after the conversation it was time for meetings..like P.R. Here I got to do my Pr role and get a break from the producer/productions manager role. It was a nice break. Although I have much to do with PR. However, it was only allowed to be half an hour since my role as an actress was needed.

Once back in with my group, I had to adjust to the actress role…and go right into being “hotseated”. This means I sat in a chair in front of a group as my role and had to answer questions. It went well. After we played many different games where we had to find our inner “anger” and take it out we finally used it in the scene. However, I found my anger. It took hours to let it go after actually. I was not angry about being angry, but angry at what it took to make me angry. What did I think about? I thought about what life has given me in the last few years…and longer. The wall, (which we were told to be mad at and hit and go wild on) was the WALL keeping me in Norway. I got so mad that my voice hurts now and my wrist and palms are bruised. (THis was good in my role at least) However, am I really that mad at my situation. I really am happy that I am taken care of in Norway, and the opportunity to study, but I think I really HATED that fact that I feel it is my only option. I can not study anywhere else because it cost too much in the states. I can not live the life of a single mom in the U.S. as easy as I can here. I know that. I miss close friends, I miss real sun, I miss being understood, I miss the American dinner table conversations, the horrible tv commercials and a few other American’isms. I think a long summer will help. I really do. After the summer I will have ONE year until I am done. YET, I want a Masters and maybe even a PHD. I am really ok. I really am. I think I just had some hidden anger, built up and I really got it out. Can I still use it to bring out my role…or will I need new inspiration? Time will tell.

Lunch was a nice break. I found a friend to sit and chat with who is older and OUT of the theater department. It was a nice break out. After I ran into another friend I had not seen in over a year (start of the day I ran into Erlends old friends as well)…so then I went back to the group. There THEY WERE LAUGHING!!! The group was laughing and getting along. After that we worked so well…as a group!!! Everyone helped and was listened too. We worked so well on the process to the scene that when we got there, the scene just came on its own. Not only that , but today was a LONG day (from 9 – 19) but by 7 pm, we were ready to keep working the mood was so good. However, we stopped while the gettin’s good. And not a moment too soon. MAN, I was tired. I used SOOoooo much energy today. I finally got home to a son that had been home alone nearly 3 hours. Luckily, he had a friend over so he had fun. I made dinner, planned a parent teacher conference and showered. Now, I should work on PR, and I am sure I will a bit, but it took nearly all the energy I had now to write this.

As the producer, I hope I can keep the flow in the group, as P.R., I hope I can make a poster that will be worth seeing and as an actress I sure hope I can “bring it”. Oh…we did get the english version of the script now too. It was interesting to read and I really hope people read it because I wonder if anyone got any new ideas to the meaning of the show.

Thank gosh we end early tomorrow…2 pm. Now…I think about it, we did so much more, like find props and decide more of the costumes and scenography, but more visual work will be done on it later. I am tired, but it was all worth it.

Now lets just hope I can talk tomorrow and that my hands don’t hurt too much.

Square2

(This will be long)

I have put off for much longer than I should to write about the process of our Drama group and its effects on me. I have however wrote down some notes of the highlights. This in turn is not the full details, however with a limited space in the “Theater Report” for our group, highlights are the only events needed.

First off..I am busy. I was inspired by Bob Dylan…”He who is not busy being born…is busy dying”. That is very true. I want to live life. Experience new things, create myself more each day…be born again and again. I must say, I find myself living exactly that through this process of working with a theater group from scratch, start to finish. I learn from others, myself, experiences and even others experiences. Teamwork, single work, openness, understanding and so much more. Not to mention the work it takes in theater to REALLY put your back (and mind) into it and the respect each step (big and small) take. They say in theater that there are no small roles, just small actors. Well, this can also be applied to EVERY ONE who works backstage as well. MANY MORE people should be represented at curtain calls…not just an extended arm of recondition. However…this is not my gripe. Of course a picture of people in a program would be nice.

However, even in my days of being busy…and more busy. I have had time to realize my mother was right about me. As the days have gone by, missing Erlend has been more and more. His absence has been harder to deal with.

Mom was right..I want to just lay in the bed all day, but what would that do to Ruben…instead I give…and give. That’s why I like the days that I can just be in the house…Ruben with Nintendo or a friend…and I do nothing….nothing. However, if I give nothing I get nothing. It is this giving that allows me to go on.  This giving to others..that I get “LIFE” back…a piece of everyone I come in contact with. This includes of course, my theater group.

The days before Easter break we had a normal meetings…but it’s a good example of the support the group gives not only for school matters, but personal.  We played on the stage, discuss future plans for after easter, discussed characters, assign characters (which was a text received while on the bus) and all excepted the results.  Thursday I forgot my scrip but all was ok since we spent more time in a class meeting (Oh, and where was my script which discusses incest and child molest…in Rubens back pack. Luckily he never read it or even noticed it) However, the effects of the group were when…I cried at check in on Friday. This was partly due to one of the members bringing in an old camera which reminded me so much of Erlends passion for photography and also a mixed fear of going to the cabin at Easter time. However, when I broke down…they all stood up and gave me a hug one by one. I hated crying in front of them and find it only a weakness…but I really liked the energy they gave and I worked just as hard the rest of the day. However, being able to get things out at the start of the day (which we do every day..check out too) is a wonderful way to work better as a team. It opens dialogue, problems, emotions and lays it all out so that we can work effectively.

We also had  Linnea warm up (body and stanislavsky), Johanne warm up (voice,body), Hanne warm up (body, character play) and Anne warm up (body and sport) . I normally take responsibility for warm ups, but also with room for others to try. It is so fun to get a mixed, different warm up each day. (Variety is the spice of life) It is also wonderful to be able to learn new methods and techniques. I have even been able to use new tricks on the international, Teater Polyfon…with success.

It seems a slow start, but everything had a purpose. We have built a foundation that will aid us in performing the entire play. Everyone is so full of passion.

“Being brave enough to follow your passion, is true style”

Magic happenens when you believe in yourself!

We are really in the midst of creating magic with style. Everyone speaks when they feel the need to express an opinion and no one is shot down with out feeling heard or understood first. (To my idea at least) Of course, tomorrow is another full day and the day we first decide what is cut from the script. I do not fear this part either, but it will be a true test…or rather another learning experience and challenge. (The people working on it are working even during the night to get it done) Another sign that what you seen on the stage is NOT the complete story.

During Easter vacation I was without the group. However, since I was at the cabin..and having a hard time holding back tears (the hour long session on the day I left the cabin was more than enough thanks to a radio program on LOSS!!!!)….I did keep myself busy by reading both scripts I have to work with now. (School and T.P) However, Ruben and I did spend some time as well having a “City Easter”. (Thats being closer to the city than a snow topped mountain) I can say I do prefer biking over skis.

On the first Easter day (thats easter sunday)…I had a picnic with Ruben..and Erlend. See, I took Ruben out into the woods and every time the sun shined, I knew it was Erlend smiling down…since I actually got out of the house and into nature…on my own…PLUS took his son with me. We heard nature sounds, ate food, cloud gazed and talked. It was a wonderful time. (Dreamt that night of kissing Erlend) I did NOTHING for any play that day…. And it was a nice break.

Second Easter day (monday after, also a holiday here)… Erlend’s dad and I took Erlend’s clothes away…to sandmoen (The asylum  seekers center here). Just as we were delivering, a family with a small child came. They really made it worth it. They were the faces that reminded me WHY we did it. It was not easy and I still find it hard to believe. However, we (The family) all held on to some items. The bestemor even helped us to thin out Rubens clothes as well, so children’s clothes and shoes were also in the 6 plastic bags taken.Later that day I drove to a different town to eat dinner out at Fozias restaurant (An International actress that works there)..then an early evening with norwegian evening food where I did some PR work for the school play. No worries though, I took up business after the meal. When you have family in media, you get tips. No guaranteed help, but again…more parts of the learning process. There was a P.R. meeting the day after, but the real effects or P.R. are yet to come. Now it is who to contact and how to get their interest. But first…promotional posters and flyers to be made to have something to wet the appetites of people. Before those though…we all need to capture the essence of our plays, decide what to “give” the audience and what will bring in the crowd.

In high school..that that made someone special, different or stand out…is that that people could use against another….Yet in adult life…it gets you furthure! Not being alike, not copying, liking different ideas and being an individual really gets you somewhere in this process. I am sure each group feels the same, but I am rich to have the group I have and to learn from each individual. I also learn from talking with members of other groups and it is amazing how so many (well 4 to be exact) different processes can be used for much of the same goal.

We all want to entertain, enrich and enlighten our audience. The path to get there is a journey every step of the way. Yet, its NEW…and I feel a rebirth after each and every day. I am touched, different and much the wiser within Theater.

Square1

I have been putting off writing now. Why? Well I need to write a journal for school. See, we started doing a production and I need to write down the journey (or process) in my words each day. Then I thought, am I going to share this? Will it be interesting enough for people to read? If I write ti anywhere else, do I really want to write here at “UJ” as well. The answer…no. I need to chose one place to write, therefore, for the next (about) 30 days, the focus of these entries will be on the play we are producing. If I write on the weekend then the title of the entry will be something other than Square.

So, here we go.

We started our production last thursday being forced into groups and a play. For some, they found out their play was so serious that they ahd a hard time dealing. Luckily for us, ours is not. However, it is a very eerie topic. I am ahead of myself.

Thursday, after being put in our groups, we decided to focus on getting to know each other rather than the play. We told each other about ourselves and much which is to stay only in the group. We also laid out our expectations for the group. We decided to make a plan for the friday to come in which I quickly offered to lead a warm up. No one objected.

Fridays warm-up (taken from my disney Days) went well…as well as the theater sport games we played. Seeing as I like to be “by the book” (As in our school books) our games were from Spolin and mainly about letting go of our barriers and working together with a connection. Therefore we did a game called “Explosion Tag” and “Tug of war”. Both games were played very well and helped everyone to come together. However, after, as we were working as a group…we were told our school was having plumbing problems, so we evacuated to a city cafe. We worked for hours there talking about the script, reading it, planning out productions roles and other minor aspects. I WAS AFRAID!!! I know I want to act. I know I can. However, I have an accent. Will I let the team down? Can a non.norwegian really pull off a good production together with Norwegians? If I take a leadership role in production, will I lose my chance of being an actress? I shyed away from saying much. However, it did not take long to see many were just as nervous and had also little experience with some of the technical side of things. We had the weekend to think over things.

Monday I gave my Latin AMerica inspired warmup and Boal Hands exercise. (Was it Boal??) After we discussed more about productions roles, but more about instructor. (Who is the only role who is not to be on the stage) We already had one off the stage, but she will be lighting,sound and one other role. More time to think it through.

Then we played with the roles on the stage, and did more read throughs of the script. After lunch, we discussed the script in more detail and once again discussed production roles. After knowing that I have established a role as actress…and my fellow thespians are going to allow it, I quickly stood up to take some leader roles. Since PR and scenography were hard ones to fill last we discussed it, I decided to take it. However, PR is a part of Producer or Productions Manager…So I took that and actress and dropped the scenography for another. Nothing is set in stone until tomorrow. Also, another took warm ups for tomorrow, so I can relax this evening and not plan. Of course…I can not help but plan. Now…if I am to do PR right…we will have standing room only at our shows. Oh..and really now… FREE entertainment! (Week 21) (Oh…was that a  shameless plug?)

I am scared to share some of the things I am going to share. However, if you (a reader) do decide to come to a show, then you will know the backstage story of it from my point of view. I did wrong though, I did not write about the other days like I should have. I waited until now. I will be better at keeping up to record on my writing. I will allow you all into the process of a University play, the pitfalls and pleasures. This way, there will be more details. However, the first days did go blurry for me anyway. I had so much worry and angst in my head, mush of what was said and done went over me. I am her now though. I am in place. No matter what… I WILL get a role on the stage. It may be small…it may not be. However, a small acting role is fine. It is a a great start for a Non-Norwegian. Plus, I am also just as excited about the back stage part of production. Yet, I will have to work HARD!!!! Extra hard!!! I have to make my group feel they made the right choice allowing me on the stage when the easier choice was to use an all norwegian cast. I am scared. My heart races at the thought. It would have been easier for me to be the instructor…but I do not live life easily.

Oh…guess the name of the play?       ❏ ❐ ❑ ❒…..Any ideas?     ❏ ❐ ❑ ❒

Square (Yes, english title, Norwegian play)

Now I need to get back to parenthood. Ruben is doing quite bad at math homework today. Not sure why. So, I am making him do extra math. He has a test tomorrow, and I need to know he has studied. Of course, he did have a friend come home with him. This he did by calling me on my cell (he came home before me) and asking. As I discussed his situation over the phone (friend vs homework) I realized I was ready for production manager. (Do not ask me how the two connect, I just felt powerful)

I am not the worlds worst mom though. Last saturday…we both got NEW BIKES!!! Yes…my first in Norway and his first in four years. (Needless to say he has gone two years without since his last is too small and broken) We enjoyed a good bike trip on Sunday. (Saturday had rain)

Productions Log mixed with my rl. Well, seeing how production is going to take over my life soon…it will just have to be mixed for now.

All the worlds a stage!

 

PS: I dreamed of Erlend last night. He was in bed with me, and all I had to do was roll over and put my arms around him. He hugged me back. It felt so real. Ruben too dreamed of Erlend. He said he was with us on a carriage as we sat behind a horse.

Touched

I miss you!! Happy Anniversary! Eight years ago today I made a promise to love you. This will never die! I send my heart to you today!

This was my Facebook status today. These were the words that came to me…and the words I felt helped. Helped what? Helped me to express how I felt…and have been feeling as this day came closer and closer.

There was no celebrating today, however there was a kindness brought to me by many of the students that read my status before class that day. Their hugs and kind words really were such a help. More than they will know. I felt I could show off a video I made of our wedding and I enjoyed sharing some moments of “that day 8 years ago” with them.

The emotions started the night before this though, when I decided to watch “The Bucket List” (A movie about cancer patients). It was a beautiful movie, but brought about many tears…and many thoughts.

The sum of a persons life. How is it measured ? Is it by the ones left behind…or are you measured by the people who measure themselves by you?

Is Erlends life summed up in his family and friends…especially Ruben whom he left behind, yet influenced greatly? Or is Erlends life measured by ALL of those living today who felt touched by Erlend…who feel that HIS life made a difference? Well…I believe the latter. He has changed us ALL. Be it from his music, his laugh, his smile or from the words you are reading now that are in turn… a result of Erlend. The smallest touch in the water…ripples out into a wave.

Is it liberating to know the day of your death? There are many who wish they knew. Many who wish they could then say the things they need to say and do the things they need to do. Yet, if someone told you…you may not believe it. You may insist on begging for more. We do not have more. Erlend was lucky. He did not accept his date, but he did accept that it was coming. In this, we had time to do much and say much. But what about you? Are you happy with your life if you go tomorrow? Unlike the movie, you do not have to be a millionaire to achieve happiness. If life is about those you touch, then it is not about the places you have seen. Yes, seeing new countries is wonderful…but if you are blessed to see these places with a loved one…then it is THOSE memories…those precious moments that make life worth it. There is always room for more visits, more kinds words and making more memories.

Do you have joy in your life? You can. Call up people. You would be amazed at the people who may say YES to meeting you in the city. You may even be more surprised by the one who not only invite you out, but INSIST and BUG you until you do!  It is easy to fall into the “No one likes me” trap and “I have no friends”. I think we ALL have those days, some more than others. You are allowed to be a couch potato, but not all the time. GET OUT! AND if you have been MEANING to contact someone…do it. They may just be needing it more than you think.

Does your life bring joy to others? YES!!! It does. It is not an ego filled thought. Anyone has the power to make someone smile and touch their heart! Even those you thought that may “have something against you” can brighten your day…or be brightened up by you. However, remember to take an interest in yourself as well. Know that you are worth listening to. If you know this, so will your company. If you listen to the other person…a conversation is easy. Everybody has a story to tell. If that fails…FAMILY HAS to listen to you!

The Bucket List. It touched me. My Anniversary. It touched me. My friends. They touched me.

My Birthday…touched me. It was a 50′s themed party at a 50′s theme restaurant in our city. Better yet, it was the first time they EVER allowed a private party. I had about 30-40 people who came in honor of me and I tried my hardest to make sure they all enjoyed a fun filled night of music,food,milk shakes, hoola-hoops,frisbee, Play-Doh and Race cars. I turned 29 in a very unforgettable way! Ahhh, but do not worry. The first part of the day was spent taking Ruben at our local Theater where he got to meet actors, see parts of plays, see costumes and go everywhere backstage and on. He got to control the day and he really enjoyed it. After was saturday rice porridge with the family here before I had to go into a time warp to the 50′s.

Family touched me…in the states by wonderful phone calls…and here with a fun filled sunday dinner the day after my birthday. This family though was Erlends cousins…one whom is a doctor. He was prepared early on to Erlends fate.

My words… I hope touched someone. They are not fully my words today. They are again…from my heart and my heart is up in heaven. I sent it up today to be touched by Erlend. To get that hug that it needed. I will get it back tonight. It will be full of his blessing. April 5 will always be a day for me. Anyone who is to be a part of my life, will have to share my joy and sorrow surrounding this day.

I love you Erlend…thank you for allowing me to be “Touched by an Angel”.

PS: And whether this was a gift or not, I have found the Serenading Unicorn. Thank you Erlend for these videos. They really made me laugh when I needed it today!

Change

If you could go back and change one thing about your life…would you? And if you did would that change make your life better?  Or would that change break your heart?…or the heart of another? Would you have chosen a different path…or just one thing..one moment. A moment you always wanted back.

Can I personally answer this? I could at times. Now is not one of them. There any many events in my life that I wonder If I had done them differently would the outcomes be different? We all have cases of the would have,should have, could have’s.

Would have it been better if…

Could have it been better if…

Should have I done that instead…

Yet, I can not live like that. I have to live. What if I did get that chance to have changed one thing? Would I have had Ruben? Would I have been in Norway? Would I still be alive? Would I have been healthy now? Would I have been working on getting a degree? Would I have known the people I know? Seen the places I have seen? Grown the way I have? I have much to be grateful for, despite sitting in tears many times. We all have things we can cry over and things we can smile about.

I got to take Ruben to see a play he wanted to see. He got to get some extra attention from some of the actors, he got to see some family from oslo (that happens to play professional fotball/soccer…well Ruben did not see him much, he brought a toy for Ruben. Ruben was occupied) Ruben has it good. I have been enjoying much hands on work with the theater. I have been visiting wonderful friends and intend to see more. I won “Best Dressed” at an 80′s party. I own a home,car,scooter and have family that loves me and is there for me. I have vacuum bags that fit. I have it good. Then..I sit here. I do not want to cry…(which almost happened on the bus last monday) No…I do not want to cry.

“ Looking at what has been taken from us is a bad way to go through life. Looking for what we can give to others is far better. ”

Do the people around me have it good? I can not help everyone financially…or with labour. However, if I can help people smile and feel good about themselves then I too can smile. How can I make a change? How can I help others to see what good is in front of their eyes?

We all have something. It can be the friendly arm around our shoulders or the smile from a stranger.

As corny as it sounds…if we can find a way to change our lives and bring a smile to our own face, we can change others lives and make them smile…which in turn…will change the world…one person at a time.

And if your entire world consist of only your own personal friends, family, co-workers and inner city group…then isn’t that “your entire world”?  The world is bigger or smaller to some. Aim for your personal best for your personal world. We are all part of the same society…same human race.

Life is easier in smaller goals. So…don’t try to change the world…just your world.

Start

Yesterday…I was to meet up with a friend for lunch. However, she was not just any friend, but one of the very few people I have known (and still know) since my first visit to norway. I thought how nostalgic it was to go meet her. Of course, there was also another girl I had come to like quite well during that time, but she no longer lives in Trondheim.

When I walked into that cafe, my friend waved me down…but my eyes quickly went to someone else. The girl sitting with her. It was that same friend who had crossed my mind. Both ladies from my “start” in Norway were there. It was so wonderful to get to see them, some of Erlend’s oldest friends as well, and to maybe give them a chance to get to know me.

See, when I first met them, they got to have much time with Erlend. This next part I admitted to them now, but then I was jealous. I feared that Erlend would of course rather be with them. They had more in common with him than I, especially language. However, I do not like who I was when I first moved to Norway and I am very happy that they were willing to meet me now…a REALER version of me that is. I do not know if I get to really be me in Norway. Yet, I have been out of the states so long…am I really me there?  I do know that I am a better person now than I was then… I can’t ignore that. I have more to offer in the way of friendships and have matured of course. (And a better fashion sense than jeans and t-shirt all the time) Yet… when will I come out of my cocoon? I feel I am in one at times. I do my roles as Mother, student,actress…but it feels empty. I did just lose my husband…I guess life is not suppose to feel whole right now. Maybe this is my dilemma. I feel like a better person now that I have achieved a life in Norway, but the completeness is not there.

I am not lonely though. I have friends and family that have not forgotten me…and new friends that want to know me. Later that same day I had more work with kids…then theater rehearsals. I love the stage…but really feel everyday provides us with the setting to set a scene. I am trying to choose my own adventure. There may be dangers and pitfalls that I am not ready for, but I must tackle them all. At least this time … I have a choice in languages.

As for today…I once again met up with a friend (An American one) for lunch. It was a first time meeting and a very good one at that. Sadly, it was cut short by me needing to get to work. Today was my “LAST day of work. However, I will tell the school they can call me to help out on day they need that I may have less school. This window is a very slim window though before crunch time with the two plays.

However, this is not how I started my day. I gave blood today…well plasma…well tried. Today they said my veins were too small and that veins can change. They said if I “continue to be difficult” they will have to take me off the list. I think though that the difficulty lied with the nurse. She would not even try again even after she said it was her fault for sticking the needle in to far. (When before nurses were willing to try again and even the other arm if needed) There is one nurse though who gets the job done every time and even manages to not hurt me. I hope she is there next time. So, they taped me up and sent me on my way…but I did not go to my friend just yet; I had other nurses to see.

A month ago, when I last donated, I went to visit some of Erlends nurses that would see him daily, but I told myself my next donation…I would visit the bed post nurses. So, after the blood bank I followed the halls, building through building. As I got to a window that oversaw the new building where he was…I was teary eyed. At the same time, I saw the piles of rocks where the old building was…where he was first an inpatient, where he got his start of Cancer life. It’s gone. Maybe thats good. It did not change the fact that I was on my way to where “It” happened. I got to the stairs. I had four flights up to go. When I go to the top…I stopped at the doors. I could not go in. I had to steady my breathing…fight back the tears. I was not going to cry THIS time. Would they really wANt to see me? We were with them for over two years, young and with a child. They must be wondering how we are. I opened the door. I stood there still…before walking in. I turned the corner…into the hallway…the hallway I stood to make the phone calls of Erlends death. The door…to Erlend last room. Luckily there were plenty of nurses around who knew who I was. Did not take long before the head doctor was there too. (Not Erlends, but still knew him well) They took quite a bit of time talking to me and were interested in how we were. They said yes, they had wondered and that its not normal to see the “caregivers” again. They usually vanish.

I could not vanish. It was where Erlend died. It was where we had many good memories. I could not think of many good ones then and there…except Ben & Jerry’s Ice cream. I did not want to visit without a thank you to the nurses, but then again…the first visit was not for them, but for me. I will also give Ruben the chance later…if he desires.

I left happy I did it. I did not leave happy…but happy I went up there and faced what I felt was a personal challenge. I may not shed as many tears as I should…or at least that I admit to, but I find comfort in rituals and meaning. I am odd. I live by my own rules…but keep to the golden one. I will do unto others as  would have them do unto me. Even physics backs it up: For every action there is a positive or equal reaction.

My visit may not have been for any physical need, but it was emotional. It hurt no one…therefore the gain will either be great…or at least help to equal me out a bit more. Prepare me more to be the woman I am meant to become. To start my path.

I feel lost, yet I have a plan until fall. But I am ahead of myself….

Today could not have ended any better way….watching a Disney Channel Original movie in bed with Ruben…

…thats a good start to any night!